The Fook of The Irish. Still With Me After 25 Years.

March 17, 1984 was a sunny but brisk day in Midtown Manhattan. I was a writer/producer with USA Network and that day I was on a mission: I had to get across 5th Avenue before 12 noon from my office at Rockefeller Center to the Reeves Teletape post production facility on the east side, near the United Nations. The annual St. Patrick's Day Parade was famous for bottling up foot traffic moving cross town and I had a date in 15 minutes to produce a series of
on-air promotion announcements for the network.

I hustled across 44th Street and it was about 11:50am when I reached the west side of 5th Avenue. Even though the Parade had yet to begin (the only day of the year when traffic moves UP 5th Avenue!) the police lines were up. I was about to duck under the police line and scurry across 5th Avenue when I was stopped in my tracks by a beautiful voice with a fine Irish lilt. "Sahr...or Sahr? Would ya like to buy a fine carnation on this glorious St. Patty's Day?", she queried. She was the quintessential Irish lass -short in stature, auburn hair, freckled with ruddy cheeks that were more raw than the blustery weather itself. She thrust forward a cardboard tray that was laden with green carnations for my consideration.

"No thanks.", I answered. "I gotta get across 5th while the getting is good."

"But sahr, you wouldn't disappoint me..not on St. Patty's Day.", she implored.

My temper was short and my judgement was a bit clouded from being in such a rush - and maybe, just maybe I was a bit ignorant about the battle that was currently raging for the control of Ulster between the forces of Her Majesty's army and the I.R.A. "Listen, you know what will happen if I buy a green carnation from you? The money will just go into the I.R.A. coffers and be used to buy guns to kill the good boys of the United Kingdom!" "That was that.", I mused to myself. "Game. Set and match!". I scrambled under the police line and took one step across 5th Avenue - but was immediatley pierced by a high-pitched, raging voice.

"Fine, ya English bastard! I'll give ya the carnation for nuttin' if ya shuve it up your fookin'
ass!!!!", she roared. The crowd in the immediate area began to applaud this tiny albeit ferocious
Irish freedom fighter. Knowing I was out-gunned, I took a couple of additional steps into 5th Avenue, then offered her an exaggerated, reverse bow. "As you wish", I offered. It was a pitiful effort on my part to gain redemption after being verbally roughshod over, courtesy of my total ignorance of the real dynamics that were fueling the Irish-British street war in Belfast.

In the quarter century since I experienced "The fook of the Irish", I have visited The Republic of
Ireland. It is indeed a majestic, mysterious and inspirational place -and the people there are nothing short of "just grand". I have also travelled extensively throughout the United Kingdom, but sadly I have not set eyes upon Ulster. These travels have afforded me a vast historical perspective of why the Irish and the British feel the way they do with respect to the ongoing problem of Northern Ireland. It is my sincerest hope that all Irish and all British can live in understanding and harmony - now and into the future!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all, and to all a good night!

This is The Count....Out!

THE COUNT CALLED IT: Memo To The News Media

Nearly 3 weeks ago I published "Memo To The News Media", informing the media at large of the economic hardships they themselves were generating by putting all economic bad news up front, while burying any good news. Today the NY Times examines this very phenomenon in this March 15, 2009 op ed piece:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/15/opinion/15pubed.html?ref=opinion

Since "The Count" has clearly scooped the purveyor of "All The News That's Fit To Print" does this mean that the NY Times should endeavor to put "The Count" on staff?

They should be that lucky!

This is The Count (who's apparently more on the ball than the NY Times)...Out!

Future "Soylent Green" Movie Offenders

Here is a partial list of "Soylent Green" Movies, either in the planning stages or set to be released. If you want to effectively crusade against "Soylent Green" Entertainment DO NOT SEE THESE MOVIES - and maybe - maybe Hollywood will get the message to stop!

THE SHADOW: Just because the Alec Baldwin version of the 90's wasn't bad enough, you're gonna get a second helping! Why? Because apparently enough of you put money down the last time around!

THE LAST STARFIGHTER: Some remakes are more dangerous to the stars than the general public. After Robert Preston made "The Last Starfighter" in the 80's he up and croaked. Lance Guest was a bit luckier - only his career was killed courtesy of this flick with a helping hand from his next role -- "Jaws III: The Revenge".

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Apparently there must have been something left to be said about the first "Conan" - since there was no intelligible dialogue, I can't imagine what! Casting recommendation for the raging muscle-man: A-Roid!

LOGAN'S RUN: The premise of this dim-witted 70's sci-fi flick was that in the future, you get offed when you hit 30. Can we apply the same principle to any producer attempting to pander recycled garbage to movie-goers?

DEATH WISH: Sly Stallone has apparently signed on for the Chuck Bronson role. Patronize this remake and you'll spawn 4...5...maybe 6 sequels?

TAKING OF THE PELHAM 123: Walter Mathau's career was so disaffected by starring in this stinky flick that he was compelled to sign on to "The Bad News Bears" for redemption. Since this option will not be available to both John Travolta and Denzel Washinigton who will be starring in the P123 remake - because "The Bad News Bears" has already be remade -- I guess Travolta and Washington will have to appear in the remakes of "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training" and "The Bad News Bears Go To Japan". Get out your baseball mitts, boys -- it's payback time!

FRIDAY THE 13th: If anyone plunks down the money for a ticket for the remake of the "Original Friday The 13th" you risk being responsible for the following sequels "Friday the 13th 2 thru 7" and beyond! Fair warning because you WILL be punished!

THE BIRDS: Didn't Hollywood see what happened the LAST time they attempted to remake a Hitchcock picture. Can you say "Psycho"? One of the working definitions of "insane" is the inability to change when what you are doing does not work. Are ya listening, Hollywood?

THE THING: You REALLY start to peg the "Soylent Green" Entertainment meter when you make a remake of a remake. Memo to Hollywood: This 1951 (with debut of James Arness as "The Thing) piece of crap was already remade by horror-master, John Carpenter back in 1982!

CLASH OF THE TITANS: Remake this classic and you will give TBS and TNT 20 years of rerun fodder! Who's going to out do Sir Lawrence Olivier -- THE ROCK? Say it ain't so!

I look forward to all of your comments as you discover how your world of entertainment is creatively shrinking with each and every passing day!

This is The Count....Out!

HELP STAMP OUT "SOYLENT GREEN" ENTERTAINMENT

If you totally hate horrible movie remakes, TV series that become movies, movies that become TV series, Disney movies that become Broadway shows then you've got to become a card-carrying member of "Stamp Out "Soylent Green" Entertainment on Facebook. "Soylent Green" was a 1970's futuristic movie that revolved around a high energy food stuff, "Soylent Green" that promised to end the worldwide food crisis -- until the movie's star, Charlton Heston revealed that "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!". "Soylent Green Entertainment" is the unholy reutilization upon reutilization - the cannibalizing of creative content that effectively hinders the introduction of new and compelling original content. The worst offenders of "Soylent Green Entertainment" are vehicles like "The Producers" and "Hairspray" -- being movies, then broadway shows then movies. "Batman" attains a HUGE "Soylent Green" rating for being a comic book, a movie serial, a TV series, a movie series, another movie series and an animated TV series! "Stamp Out Soylent Green Entertainment" mandates a complete boycott of anything remotely "Soylent Green" in hopes that this action will dissuade idiotic remakes, sequels and cross-media productions. Remember, to do your part to stamp out "Soylent Green" Entertainment by joining "Stamp Out Soylent Green Entertainment"
on Facebook! See ya there!

This is The Count...Out!

"Snuggie 2.0"

What are we to make of the latest fad to sweep America -- the “Snuggie”, you know, as their ubiquitous, bargain-basement budget TV ad so aptly puts it, “The blanket with sleeves”? According to All Star Marketing, the geniuses behind the unabashed success of the Snuggie, somewhere between 4 and 5 million of these fleece wondersin shut-in’s clothing have been sold. The next question is: Where will the Snuggie fad top
out before sales begin to fall off rapidly and the hot, hot cover up becomes just another in a long line of fuzzy fad memories. After all, there are just so many of America’s most pernicious couch potatoes who will pony up the money to look like semi-deranged cultists while eating popcorn, working their laptops, holding their babies or God forbid, attending outdoor public sporting events (not even with a court order!).

The critical task now for All Star Marketing is to effectively migrate theSnuggie from passing fad to bona fide trend. According to marketing experts, the litmus tests that differentiate fad from trend are: Fads are short lived; trends have staying power. Fads are “I gotta have one.”; trends are “I think I’ll have another.” And most important, fads are revolutionary; trends are evolutionary.

For the Snuggie to survive in American culture it must evolve and take ona more meaningful and universal role in our collective lives. Consider the proposed prototypes and possibilities of “Snuggie 2.0”, “Snuggie TNG” (The Next Generation) or simply “Son of Snuggie”:


“Showtime Rotisserie Snuggie”: Combines the best of the classic Snuggie with the genius of Ron Popeil. A NASA-developed foil inside lining allows your super-charged body heat to slow roast up to a 4 pound roaster in just 2 hours, while you relax with your favorite daytime TV programs. Good and good for ya!

“Huggie-Snuggie”: A special pouch in the Snuggie holds a disposable diaperso now you can hold your baby with no worries. The Huggie-Snuggie also effectively addresses the graying of America as it accommodates adult disposable waste garments.

“Smilin’ Bob Snuggie”: Expandable front quadrant comfortably allows for any “big changes” with men who are hooked on male enhancement products. This could be huge!

“Listen Up Snuggie”: Built into the Snuggie is an audio booster for those whosuffer from diminished hearing and are too cheap to buy a real hearing aid. Listen Up Snuggie allows you to discreetly overhear conversations from across the room, like: “He’s really cute, and he just moved into the building. Too bad he’s dressed like some kind of weird monk and most likely has taken a vow of celibacy.”

“My Kid Made The Honor Role Snuggie”: For pushy parents who are compelled to highlight their child’s achievements, no matter how mundane. My Kid Made The Honor Roll Snuggie comes emblazoned with generic or customized school-driven braggadocio.

“Malibu Snuggie”: Ultraviolet light emitting diodes woven into the inner lining provide that all over tan, anytime – all the time. Enthusiastically endorsed by George Hamilton!

“Life Alert Snuggie”: Because it is impossible to take a few steps without tripping while wearing your Snuggie, this version allows you to instantly contact authorities for help
when you press the Life Alert button and shriek, “I’ve fallen in my Snuggie, and I can’t get up!”

“iSnuggie”: Crafted especially for post-Baby Boom techno-generations, the iSnuggie is packed with ear buds, wireless router and a 30GB flash drive. Best yet,the iSnuggie is both PC and Mac compatible!

“ShamWow Snuggie”: The Snuggie’s oversized sleeves make polite and contained drinking an absolute impossibility. So when you invariably spill, take a chill pill -- ShamWow Snuggie absorbs over 50 times its weight in liquid! Don your ShamWow Snuggie when you wash the car – you can hose down and dry your auto in just one pass!

“Need A Miracle Snuggie”: Exclusively for “Dead Heads”. Tye-dye of course with “Need a miracle” scrawled across the front, allows underfunded Grateful Dead fans to comfortably and idly wait until Kingdom come for someone who actually works for a living to bestow free tickets upon them.

“Street Walker Snuggie”: Everyone knows that hooking on the mean streets is a rough life. Street Walker Snuggie, made from neon-colored spandex will help to make hooking a more warm and humane business. Strategic slits and a plunging neckline make this slinky Snuggie truly “The blanket with sleaze”!

“Mood Snuggie”: Special woven in sensors change the color of your Snuggie according to your mood. Remember, dark blue means you’re feeling great! Black means not so good. A great conversation starter!

“Baby On Board Snuggie”: Crafted for expectant moms or parents who want to hold their babies under the safest of circumstances. Oversized caution sign advises anyone nearby about your precious cargo. Variation in development: “Mother-In Law Bludgeoned and Wrapped In Snuggie In Trunk”

“Shiatsu Snuggie”: Battery operated magic fingers contained within the fleece provide you a hot, relaxing and discreet massage! “Domo arigato, Shiatsu Snuggie!”

“Snacktime Snuggie”: Because classic Snuggies have limited durability they can now be purchased in edible form. Enjoy a cheese, pizza, taco or 3 alarm-flavored Snuggie anytime in between meals. Or wake up to your delicious Snuggie with crunchberries!

“Mae West Snuggie”: Now you can have both warmth and safety on the open water because the Mae West Snuggie contains instant inflation chambers, making it a Coast Guard approved personal flotation device. Don’t be caught flying out of LaGuardia Airport without the Mae West Snuggie.

“Tom Brady Snuggie”: Not only is this gem autographed by one of the greatest NFL quarterbacks ever, the Tom Brady Snuggie changes all the rules with easy to reach pockets, allowing you to “tuck” any item!

“OCD Snuggie”: Laced with miracle germ-shedding fiber, those unfortunates affected with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder will now flock to public restrooms and escalator hand rails. An optional fire hood affords OCDers peace of mind during hotel stays.

“Fonzie Snuggie”: For those who refuse to wear a nerdy, cloth Snuggie the supple brown leather Fonzie Snuggie will keep you warm – and cool! Ayyyyyyyyyyyy!

“Billy Mays Snuggie”: Shaped like a giant, black beard, the Billy Mays Snuggie allows you the right to scream at constant and ear-piercing levels to prove any simple point, while framing your statements in moronic rhyming schemes. “THAT’S THE POWER OF THE BILLY MAYS SNUGGIE! AMAZING!”

“Quickie Snuggie”: With you and your significant other entombed in warm fleece, acting upon those spontaneous, amorous moments is just out of the question… until now! Strategically located Velcro EZ access closures allow couples to take advantage of the heat of the moment. When the Quickie Snuggie was tested with female focus groups the universal response was, “Quickie? As opposed to……….”

Slumdog "Not Enough" Millionaire

So, "Slumdog Millionaire" is officially America's favorite movie, right? Not so fast, dog! You may have taken home the gold at the Oscars. You may be the darling of the American media. You may be talked about as the drop of intellectual hope in the American cinemtatic sea of dispair -- but sorry, sucka -- you can't even out gross "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"!

Not TOO sad a statement on the intelligence of the American movie-goer!

The Count -- Out!

"Oh yes, we need a Chauncey Gardener. Right this very minute!"

Remember Peter Sellers' final role as the displaced, simpleton gardener, Chauncey in "Being There"? The hapless Chauncey Gardner then stumbled into a America's ultimate network of political and economic power and instantly became the ultimate pundit on America's economic crisis of the time. Chauncey soothed our national fears with simple, understandable and positive references to his only base of knowledge - gardening.

With the news media mongering economic fear on a non-stop basis, it is high time to reintroduce Mr. Chauncey Gardner to talk some solid, economic sense to America, just as he did so skillfully when the country was mired in economic woes back in 1979. I cite:

The President (to Chauncey): "Do you agree that we can stimulate the economy with temporary
incentives?"

Chauncey: "As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden."

The President: "The....garden?"

Chauncey: "Yes. In the garden, growth has it's seasons. First comes spring and summer, then we have fall and winter. Then comes spring and summer again."

National Economic Adviser (Benjamin Rand): "I think what our insightful young friend is saying is that we welcome the inevitable change of seasons on nature - but we're upset at the seasons of our economy."

Chauncey: "Yes, there will be growth in the spring."

President: "I must admit, that is one of the most refreshing and optimistic statements I heard in a very long time.......that's exactly what we lack on Capitol Hill!"

The next challenge will be to get Chauncey Gardner a guest shot on "Nightly News"!

In the meantime, keep your economic chins up, America!

This is The Count......out.